Learn to solve and prevent discussions and conflicts in your relationship
Relationships can be a very beneficial coexistence for both, or a continuous survival of a persistent enemy. Toxic relationships? There are few who have trapped many couples with their roots.
- 1 The master pillar and the support pillar
- 2 6 important tips
The master pillar and the support pillar
To solve any conflict or discussion in the couple we will always consider these two pillars.
The master pillar: Perception, predisposition and conditioning.
When we interact with our partner or any other social being who has had the honor of crossing with us, the interpretation we make of the different events or actions that occur is conditioned to our perception of reality.
For example: If your partner has just recriminated something that he thinks you are not doing well, and it is also something that he has already told you several times and what you are more than fed up with, that feeling of anxiety that you may feel influences your way of perceiving her and of course in the way you respond.
We will take this master pillar as a base in order to efficiently manage our emotions in the face of couple conflicts.
The pillar of support: Empathy, assertiveness, courage, humor and sex.
What we have called the support pillar includes our communication skills to negotiate the conflict towards our interests; often being necessary be mischievous To play the situations.
It does not matter if they give you the reason if that does not lead you to get what you want. Many times we get lost in words and fail to see the background. We want them to recognize us and tell us, "Yes, it's true, you're right." But that is of little use if the other person does not feel an emotional change.
It is much better to focus on the goal we want to achieve and cause emotional changes that make what we want happen. Break the barriers of the rational.
Let's look at an example in which we are the boy. During the day we had a little discussion with our partner, and now that night comes we want some sex to end the day. Unfortunately she is not very much for the work, because her previous anger is conditioning her. She feels proudly attacked and is not willing to be affectionate to us.
She: I don't want kisses, I don't feel like it.
Him: Are you still upset about this afternoon? It hasn't been that bad, you should cheer up a bit.
She: It's possible, but I'm not in the mood right now.
The boy, far from persuading her, attacks her by ridiculing her way of acting (Are you still upset? Well, you are dumb). Also, in that mood, what we like least is that they tell us what we should or should not do. After all, we do not cause an emotional change, and therefore, it is still not in the mood and we will end up either arguing again and getting more pissed off, or going on the matter. In any case without sex.
Let's now look at a second example:
She: I don't want kisses, I don't feel like it.
Him: Asking my lips to be quiet with how beautiful you are here reading in bed is something that will offend them a lot. You will not be able to make such a sacrilege!
She: Offense you offended me this afternoon.
He: Sorry, this afternoon I didn't react as I should. I have already taken note and will take action. Now what I want is to enjoy this moment with you. It would do no good to waste it while being pissed off.
She: Well, after that apology it is possible for me to ponder the proposition of your lips. But for the record, I do it for them, not for you.
In this second example we react positively to your refusal, we do not let it influence us and we maintain good spirits at all times. We joke a little so that your emotional state improves. However, the objection of the afternoon is not resolved, so maintaining good spirits, we apologize, we show that we have “taken note”, and we persuade when we say we want to enjoy the moment and not spend it pissed off, but we always do from the perspective of the self. We could have told him: It would do no good if you wasted it while being pissed off, but that way we would be attacking it. Instead we say: It would do no good to waste it (me) being pissed off. The perspective of us could also have been used: It would do no good if we wasted it while being pissed off.
In the end in this example we are:
- Being empathetic: We make the other person see that we understand her.
- We are assertive: We communicate without attacking but firm towards our interests.
- Courage: Let's go for what we want, we don't lose sight of the objective.
- Humor: We use this resource to improve the emotional state of the other person.
- Sex: We distract her to something pleasant. "Enjoy the moment".
6 important tips
Let's now see 6 tips to avoid arguments and bad times as a couple, while still solving possible conflicts that arise as we improve the relationship.
1. How to choose the moment well
In matters of couple we usually have a very harmful habit, and it is to keep what we do not like about the other person in good times, and release it in bad times.
This has dire consequences, since we do not have enough to go through a bad time, which are often nonsense, but also take out all the crap we had saved to shine.
If you don't like something about your partner and you want to try to convince her to change, the worst thing you can do is tell her in an argument because at that moment she is on the defensive and anything you say is going to be taken as an attack, and when we attack We provoke a defense.
The problems are better to tackle them one by one in moments of serenity, that is, when everything is fine. If you are enjoying a beautiful day together, in passing, with a little humor and without giving it too much importance you can drop things that you would like to change. In this way you catch her in a good mood and willing to listen to you and correct what you say in order to continue this well.
2. The benefit is for both
Persuasion is the art of focusing on the positive side of things. In the face of any discussion, always look for solutions and proposals that are beneficial for both of you, whose objective is to maintain a relationship as healthy, fun and passionate as possible.
By the way, avoid throwing things in the face or bringing out things that have been said before and that are said full of resentment. "You didn't say I was overwhelming you ..." There is nothing that can feel worse in communication. From my point of view, I prefer to be insulted and spit in my face, with that I say everything.
3. Anticipate and act intelligently
A relationship is not always jumping through the mountains surrounded by roses and a wonderful sun. It influences both external and internal aspects where to know manage your emotions It is an essential aspect.
If, for example, our partner is saturated with work at a given time and is not too aware of us, if we begin to recriminate it too much, we may overwhelm her and generate stress. We add negative emotions to the relationship.
How would we manage such a situation? As we have seen in the previous point, looking for a good time together, commenting our concern in a good mood, so that we make the other person aware. Maybe it's just a punctual moment when you're saturated with work. It is not worth making a mountain of problems with something temporary. And examples like this may have thousands.
In the same way I want to mention that people go through very varied emotional moments. There are times when we want to spend hours and hours with our partner, and others when we do not feel so much to see her. It does not mean that the relationship has a problem, these fluctuations are normal, the problems come from not understanding them and generating conflicts from them.
4. Watch the words
Words have a weight in the psychology of each person, so there are some that we should try to avoid. One of them is the word "overwhelmed." Few things make our partner worse than telling him that he is overwhelming us. Saying "I feel a little overwhelmed" generates a much more negative impact than saying "right now I need a little more space". In the first we take for granted that the fault is yours, that it is overwhelming us, and in the second it is not.
5. Forget the chats
Discussing on WhatsApp is the most idiot in the world. I say WhatsApp but I can say any chat. Without nonverbal language we depend solely on words.
Where is the problem? In which people interpret the written words according to our mood. A simple "hello" can be said with a smile, and it can be said annoyingly and on the nose. In a state of humor of discussion, anything you say can be interpreted as an attacker or moody, which would lead to a worsening of the situation.
It is best to resolve conflicts in person, because you have all the resources available, however if this is not possible in a very short period of time, we will replace it with a call. Talking on the phone we have our voice and a much more fluid conversation. If we say something jokingly, it shows that you are joking and we can use humor and good mood to improve your emotional state. On the other hand, we only have emoticons, which are useful, but insufficient, and can also be misunderstood.
When you communicate, don't take into account only the meaning that you give the words to yourself. Go one step further by deducing what those same letters mean to the recipients of your message. Because we all use the same words, but we interpret them differently. Open your eyes to this reality and you will always find a new universe to discover with each person you speak with.