According to theories about emotional intelligence we produce jealousy when we are afraid of losing someone. It is commonly said that we can feel jealous of another person for what he has or how he is, but in those cases we would be talking about envy.
As we saw in our guide on emotional intelligence, these are some of the characteristics and toxic effects of jealousy:
- They affect a relationship between two people until they become toxic if jealousy is high.
- They inhibit our feeling of feeling natural and free. What paradoxically encourages us to seek the adventure we wanted to avoid.
- They return to those who suffer excessively controllers or strategists.
- They create exalted and distorted images about what a desired person can provide.
- It can materialize in gender violence.
- It can prevent us from appreciating and enjoying the present moment with the other person.
- They generate dictatorial attitudes where the affected person meddles in everything and tries to direct it.
- Create illusory threats and can see things that have not occurred.
- It generates compensatory attitudes such as crying, asking for forgiveness, making gifts, etc.
Take a look at my new video course on YouTube totally free, first part now available:
- 1 Get rid of the feeling of loss
- 2 Start trading
- 3 Wake up beauty: Creativity in the art of love
- 4 We live in poetry: Poems and thoughts in prose
- 5 Trust and grant freedom
- 6 Stop fear
- 7 Love is not possession
Get rid of the feeling of loss
The feeling of loss makes jealousy accentuate. Spiritual theories know how to combat this emotion very well by making us aware that we have nothing. By teaching us that even our own bodies are borrowed and that if we propose, we can be happy only by living with presence: that is, with attention to the present moment.
On the other hand, as the popular saying goes: a nail takes out another nail. Hence, some high seduction skills help us reduce our jealousy before the certainty that we will find a future love without too much trouble. Providing us with greater security because when we feel capable of liking many people, we tend to suffer less attachment to a particular man or woman.
A relationship cannot work if at least one of the two does not know negotiate and persuade to the other so that it maintains healthy emotional standards. But the key to this negotiation is not to get the other person to do what we want. Do not! Who learns to communicate with manipulative purposes always ends up exposing their intentions.
The key is that this persuasion is based on a win-win. Generating changes in our partner without discussing, as well as in ourselves, in favor of the relationship working in the best possible way.
Attention to the following example, because we will expand it throughout this chapter:
"I understand you don't like me going out with my friends." I understand that you worry. I don't want to lose you either. But if we both want to stay together, we have to worry more about the fact that our relationship is healthy and gives us enough freedom to feel good together.
"Well, many times I have not gone out with my friends for staying with you and not being angry." I don't know why you can't do the same.
"Well, let's not do it anymore." Feel free to talk to me. If we begin to repress these little things that we feel like doing so that there are no problems, we will begin to sustain our relationship not in trust, but in fear.
Many people do not negotiate with their partner, but simply yield to what they want.
That is a big mistake, because even if you are willing to give in, you will be repressing your interests and all repression in the long run calls for your particular escape. A small seed of frustration and anger could give birth views, and like every seed, it can end up becoming a strong and robust tree over time. That is the biggest problem of repressing, that Over time what we repress is increasing.
You may be afraid to negotiate for the fear of losing what you already have. But without negotiation, sooner or later you will lose the company, because when you allow toxic behaviors and attitudes to occur, what you are saying to the other person is this: "What you are doing is fine." And if he continues to do something that destroys the relationship, he will eventually get it.
If before behaviors that cloud what we feel for each other we do not act, sooner or later we will pay the bill. Both! Continuing with the previous example:
—Yeah, but when you go out there, I don't know what you're doing. And if you fool me ...
"Well, you'll have to trust me not to fool you."
"If I trust, but it scares me." I can not help it.
You don't love yourself when your life without the other doesn't make sense. You don't love lThe flowers whistling together in unison of spring. You don't love the watchful winds that furrow your face at the gates of summer. You don't love the dark nights that feed your soul from the depths of autumn; You don't love the perfect imperfection of its messy leaves. You don't love the chill of winter hidden behind you in their afternoons under the covers.
Trust and grant freedom
When we try to dominate the other we not only convey our lack of trust. In turn, we feed our own emotional dependence. Often giving rise to toxic love obsessions They are like bombs for our emotions.
Many times my mother, raised in a different culture where you once became a couple and only dated her, told me: "But why are you still dating your friends, don't you have a girlfriend yet?"
It will seem like a very old way of thinking, but I still find it again and again and it still remains in the subconscious of many people. Some for dressing brand and going on the hipster roll seem very modern ideas. They seem given to poetry and art. To philosophy and freedom. But then, in their subconscious they have the same old and possessive ideas as always.
That is why I like to comment on these things even if they seem obvious, because no matter how modern we are, our subconscious continues to drag old programs. Giving rise to many inconsistencies because emotions are born from that subconscious power. Being able to think in one way and yet react in a very different way.
We may want to have a relationship where we give freedom to our partner so that they do not feel imprisoned, and yet react with fears that do not allow us to live.
Continuing with the conversation example of this article:
"It scares you because you don't trust." But you have to accept that life in insecurity, and from there enjoy that intensity. If to trust each other we need to get into a cage always in sight, sooner or later we will not feel good between us. We will be fighting against our own nature.
"What do I do if I can't help it?"
"Well, if you can't help it, you'll have to try to change it." I don't think that feeling that anguish and that fear is a good thing. Not because of our relationship, but because in the event that ours is one day over, that problem you will have in the future.
The problems are almost always internal. A jealous person will be here and on Mars. Even if she goes to Mars herself with her partner and there is no one else, she will always be afraid. Who knows, I could meet some sexy alien and go with him. Or simply, falling out of love and not wanting to know anything about her even if there is no one else in the world. Jealousy does not even have to be logical, since they are the fruit of a sense of fear of loss that made its appearance from within ourselves.
We are jealous when we think that someone is going to take away what we have, but it is precisely jealousy that ends up causing that person to abandon us. Sometimes for anyone. To be alone because the repressive stress that the illogical of jealousy inflicts no longer holds us.
The truth is that often what we fear we end up doing, because if you put your attention on fear, you will build them yourself.
The problem is not that a jealous person distrusts another, his problem is the fear of loss. To what your ego identifies that it is yours and nobody else's. That is why in releasing part of that ego, meditation is a useful medicine, since in feeling that we are only this moment and that we have nothing, we also have nothing to lose. Nothing beyond what happens and we feel at this moment.
Let's see how the example of conversation we have been developing continues:
"What happens that the problem is mine then, isn't it?"
- Within a relationship there are no problems of one, but challenges to be faced by both. I think that if we want to be who together, we must adopt the healthy paths that give us what we both need to feel good together. Sometimes I will adapt to you, and sometimes you will do it with me.
Try to keep a healthy balance
In every negotiation there is a point of understanding where both parties end up giving in. The difference between a negotiation in business and one in relationships is the time and intensity of the relationship. Sometimes in business companies rely. Today I make some concessions because I know you are going through a bad time, and in the future I hope you can return the favor.
In a social relationship, exactly the same thing happens, but its flow is more constant because there are small conflicts and small negotiations every day. And for the relationship to work, the win-win balance must be balanced if we do not want to have egos problems on either side.
Let's continue with the example:
—That is, you are not trying to convince me to do what you want, but you do it so that we are well. Is that what you are telling me?
-Yes. You can believe it or not. But that is the reality. I could call my friends and tell them I don't go out. Nothing happens, I would be happy with you. But I would begin to feel that I no longer have the freedom to do certain things that I like to do, like going out for drinks with my friends whom I also love and with whom I also like to spend my time. I would begin to feel that I am not being appreciated and respected, but possessed.
This example of dating friends is very common. But there are many more. The fundamental, as we have been saying, is to learn to direct the relationship so that neither of them dominates the other.
Today I will yield, respecting your freedom and allowing you to go out with your friends. But tomorrow, you will respect my freedom and you will accompany me to that concert that you are not excited about but that I would love to go with you. Continuously, we are balancing that scale. A challenge that with practice can even be fun if we accept it as such and allow frustration to not make gestures to show your head.
"Of course ...
"Look at it this way." What I am afraid of is not what threatens us from the outside, but what threatens us from the inside. I want us to remain happy together, but for that I am convinced that if we don't feel good about each other and we know how to respect our spaces, in the long run our relationship will break down.
There is only something that people have more fear than the fear we feel at a specific moment, and that is what can happen in the future. Hence they get jealousy all their power. They are part of a future fear! And to persuade us not to suffer its aftermath, we can feel the fear of what will happen if we are jealous, because many relationships have gone to hell for it.
That is, we combat the fear that makes us jealous with the fear of what will surely happen if we are. Something that although it is not the most positive, because it is preferable to change our beliefs to stop being possessive, at least it is effective in the short term and as an argument for imminent persuasion.
At the same time, human beings appreciate only what we can lose. A man may be arto of his wife, but it is enough that another man puts interest in her so that his instinct to seduce and satisfy her returns to visit him.
That uncertainty to lose what we have is beneficial when we look at it with a focus of love and courage. Improving our self-esteem on the grounds that the unpredictable is better; more fun. Being able to insecurity act as a motivator to appreciate more intensely what is given to us in the here and now.
Do not live in the hands of your partner
As Pedro Castejón said in class, one of my marketing professors: «The worst thing for a relationship is to make it clear to the other person that you are completely out of the market».
That is something that in my mind was totally recorded, because I couldn't agree more. But it's not about finding a way to intentionally make your partner jealous. That is a resource only of insecure people that often makes them eat the shot and the entire stock. Generating more long-term conflict than we originally intended to avoid.
What it is about is to project that although you love her and decide to be with her, you decide to be with her now, while the future is always unknown.
No one can promise eternal love. Absolutely nobody. Eternal love turns off its lights when the human needs and motivations behind a relationship are broken and the pain you cause together far exceeds the sense and lived.
Love is not possession
The other day chatting with my friend Adrián Amate, a training psychologist and with whom I usually have this type of conversation, I told him that for me, love is seeing beauty. An inner feeling that makes me see beauty in me and around me. An attitude. A predisposition to glimpse something wonderful where he who does not feel love sees nothing striking. A poetic vision And that this feeling of love was awakened within us through our partners, but just like they did, other girls could do it in the future if these relationships ended.
I commented that it had been a long time since I was absolutely certain that the concept of "half oranges" did not exist. No one has been born for each other, and if we are brave to see and accept it, we will get rid of a belief that although it has created a lot of romanticism, it has also created a lot of pain. And believe me, you can feel that romanticism the same or even much more without the need for movie concepts that only create emotional dependencies.
We are all unique and special
When a person has had few intense love experiences, he tends to believe that that other person is something like a divine gift that God has given him. His angel fallen from heaven to get him out of his bitter loneliness as a lonely horseman. This is how I saw it a long time ago, until little by little as I was better communicating, the more I lived in the present and the more love I felt, I realized that I was beginning to see an intense beauty in many of the women who came to touch the Doors of my life.
By connecting emotionally with so many girls, it is impossible that the belief of the average orange could remain in force. When you are able to awaken that beauty in the other person and in yourself, there is not a single half orange but the world is filled with half oranges and you feel yourself connected with that whole world.
This provides a great feeling of freedom. Emotional dependence and jealousy suddenly disappear, for you realize that you only depend on yourself to feel the love attitude. Something that ends up seducing yourself at every step you take.
Love it all with the beauty of unpredictable poetry. Love what is not linear or predefined, although often, your cards play against you leaving your pockets empty. Love yourself with nothing and you will discover what love is going on.