Emotional dependence: How to overcome the love obsession

Every day men and women suffer from a destructive love obsession towards that girl or boy they like. I know because in the past I frequently fell into this trap, and today, I receive a lot of questions about this issue. Being able to turn these obsessions into a jug of cold water for our self-esteem if we do not know what to do before a loving rejection.

Therefore, we will reflect on the Emotional Unit to provide solutions and awareness during this guide, which I sincerely hope to help you manage your emotions in the healthiest way possible.

Loving obsession, typical consultations:

Consulta 1

I hope I don't bother you, but I wanted you to give me some advice to stop being obsessed with a girl. You see, I've been knowing her for 2 years and I've never talked to her. I didn't get much attention before, but now I'm obsessed with it. I keep thinking about her. I don't know what's wrong with me, this had never happened to me with another girl. I hope you can help me.

Consulta 2

Two years ago when I was studying my career I had my group of friends and we had a great time. Among them we met many friends. But there was one in particular that I had a lot of love for. But at that time I was not at all interested in having a girlfriend.

At first she was very receptive to me and we talked and laughed. But something particular happened. I learned that she had kissed a friend, and it really affected me to have heard that news. It saddened me a lot.

After that I started to see the girl with different eyes. I was aware of that, since I had previously read some books about seduction. But in the end I began to lose my control over the situation, as that feeling grew towards her every day.

I visited her sometimes but she was not so receptive with me. I was also jealous when I went out with friends and the occasional suitor. He doesn't even talk to me on Facebook or leave me talking alone. That's when I first asked for advice and they talked to me about emotional dependence.

I didn't know whether to get away from her or not, but I decided to be her friend. Over time the feeling towards her was much stronger and the worst was that I lost interest in meeting other girls or making friends. If it wasn't that girl, it wasn't anyone. My situation worries me a lot, since it is affecting my whole social life. She is from my group of friends. At the moment I am not interested in another girl even if she is a model. I am aware of my obsession with her but I have my mind so cloudy that I don't know what to do.


Consulta 3

I have a classmate that attracts me a lot. At first I thought he was a very normal man, but although I barely talk to him, I ended up obsessing about this boy and I feel very bad for not being able to meet him. I would like you to give me some advice because I don't know what to do anymore. I can't stop thinking about him. I am really obsessed.

How the love obsession arises

Do we use the mind to create emotional dependence?


In the previous examples we have seen several cases of emotional dependence as a result of unrequited love obsessions. In some of them, you have not even tried to talk to the other person for fear of not liking and losing her forever. Thus remains idealized from a distance.

The starting point of these obsessions that cause emotional dependence is our mind. We have to be aware that it is we who idealize the other person creating an image of her that is not real. It is impossible not to fall in love with someone when mentally and through an imaginary world we are doing everything possible to see it as our "better half." Better would be think less and act more, being the fruit obtained from our real experiences what makes us decide if we are going to seduce a person or let them go to avoid getting bitter by knocking on a door that does not open. Thus avoiding imaginary toxic attachments.

When the time comes when you are ready to explore the world of love, you are so full of nonsense about it that you do not have much chance of finding authentic love and discarding the false.

Loving possession deprives you of reason

The vision we have of relationships is forged based on past knowledge and experience. Almost all of us have grown up watching those movies or reading novels where there is an idyllic love in which everything fits. Where conflicts are resolved highlighting the attractiveness of the characters as if they were heroines.

They have transmitted to us that idea that lovers are made for each other.

This conception of love creates a great series of damages that lead to frustrations, jealousy and even violence. Well they are based on the appreciation of the other person through possession (That is MY better half, MIA and only MIA).

Three psychological traps that create love obsession

obsessive traps

What others want is valued more

In the previous cases we have also seen how without having a previous love interest, after seeing that person with another or feeling that another person is interested in her, that great obsessive interest has been born. Let's not fool ourselves, competition makes us value more what we want.

When we are in a couple and see that other people want our boyfriend or girlfriend, this makes us value it more, to the point that a dependency can arise.

Mental recreation and obsessive thoughts

Through mental recreations we imagine how super marvelously we could be in the future with that person. We imagine smiling with her, making love, taking a walk on the beach, etc. We become great movie producers, visualizing a beautiful film of eternal love and impossible to break. This is caused by the conditioning of the search for idyllic love.

Realize that You are the one who is causing this obsession. You are associating your happiness with a dream and a person in an imaginary way. You imagine the ideal person for you but putting the face and body of that boy or girl that you like now.

In some cases these mental recreations become an addiction that invite us to live in that ideal imaginary world. That expectation of perfect love is terrifying. As although in the end that person falls in love with us, we have started a relationship with her, we will end up disappointing. We had already thought in our mind that it would be otherwise that it may not be possible to fulfill. And we recognize it: when we dream, we are very poets and we see everything wonderful.

Try not to idealize or imagine how a person is that attracts you, or you will design it to your idyll and you will end up obsessing with someone who may not exist or can get.

We not appreciate what we have until we lose it

It also happens that people who used to have us by our side and did not give them any special value, When we realize that they do not pay us the same case, we resurrect an inordinate interest in them.

That person may not deserve the value we give him. But as in those previous cases, our mind begins to deceive us again through the feeling of loss (don't take the ball away from me).

Accept that in life there is never anything permanent and how wonderful it is to be so!

All these points, by themselves, are natural in small doses. Who doesn't like to dream and fantasize a little?

They are part of the common life of the majority. The key is to learn to manage those feelings with an appropriate and conscious attitude. That is, realistic.

There are two possible ways to focus and everything will depend on the perspective with which you face possible dependency relationships.

Negative outlook

Looking for happiness through another person


It arises from a pessimistic view of life. We base our happiness on external conditions, in this case that boy or girl we like. That is why we end up obsessed.

Part of wanting to control what we consider our happiness depends on. We mistakenly believe that if we control that external factor we will be happier (the day we are together everything will be wonderful).

Imagine, for a moment, that you could control that this boy or girl was by your side. Do you think you would be happier? Do you think you would feel complete? You may answer yes, but the reality is no. You would not be happy because you have based your own well-being on something that comes from outside of you, in something so volatile that you cannot control. And if you can't control that? What will happen to jealousy, will they make your life impossible?

You would start wanting to know where you are going, with whom, and where you are at all times. And if I don't answer a message, you'll be afraid, because you're telling yourself that your happiness comes from owning that person. Your happiness would be based on the fear of losing. It would be conditioned and subject to a person who is not you and who does not depend on you. Does it sound to you Perhaps you are entering the circle of emotional dependence.

What brings us to the medium and long term? Jealousy, need, misfortune and obsession. No one in their right mind would want to be unhappy. You have to be very masoca for that, but regardless of strange cases that we will not deal with here, we will assume that everyone wants to be happy.

When we look at the world and relationships with others in a negative way, several consequences arise like those we have seen:


We attribute fictitious qualities to the person on whom we depend emotionally in such a way that it looks like a demigod. We get an idea that the person we are obsessed with (even if we don't realize it) is perfect, or almost perfect in every way. Everything he does or says magnifies him in an impressive way.

Probably, what you think of that person does not correspond at all with what others think or, at least, not in the same intensity. We put him on a pedestal and it would look like Michelangelo's David himself if it were a little bit more white, or Milo's Venus if he had a little longer hair.

Idealization almost always occurs at the beginning of the obsession, because this state necessarily involves considering the perfect person, or almost perfect, for us. People have a tendency to want the best for us, then if that person considers it to be the best for us, we will want to “own it” at all costs… and that will take us to the next state.


By not getting what we want, and with more reason if we consider that as perfect, we get frustrated.

We get frustrated because we fail to control what we grant the power to give us our happiness.

This will always be conditioned: if they do not do what we want, no matter how small, it makes us feel bad, it frustrates us because we think that it will not make us happy, and that leads us to a sickly obsession.

Being in a constant state of frustration begins to affect us, looking at life in a negative way and entering a dynamic that begins to be difficult to leave.

Low self-esteem

This may well be a cause, or be a consequence. It is a vicious circle that is very difficult to leave, but later we will see the keys to get out of here, because this point is essential to eliminate the obsession. Basically Frustration and not being able to control external conditions will make us want little. It will make our obsession begin to undermine our self-esteem and lower it, to the point of considering ourselves “invisible” if that special person does not pay attention to us.

Think about it: Have you ever had such a level of dependence that from the beginning of the day until the end you could only feel bad thinking about him / her, and it was getting worse? That's when you hit bottom. When you feel that every day is not worth it and you only think that time will help you, fueling false hopes and waiting for the Holy Trinity to act so that by magic that boy or girl is your boyfriend forever. But this does not work like this, dear reader, it works like the following graphic, and as we have already explained:

Positive outlook

The other person as a guest to your happiness


We accept our feelings.

We know that this person awakens something special in us, but we can control and channel what we feel to get the most out of the situation in a positive and optimistic way. We are realistic and we know that it is so likely that we have possibilities, as if we do not have them, but we know how to live with it. We also use assertiveness and empathy to know what the person we like wants and what we can give them.

The difference with the negative perspective is that We accept those emotions, we don't try to fight them and we also accept reality as it is. This requires great self-knowledge, self-control and patience.

You can use meditation and hypnosis to relieve the thoughts of your mind and let yourself be more fluent in your social relationships. If you are not used to meditating you can easily start listening to my guided meditations in MP3. They are for free!

Take a trip inland

This may sound a bit crazy, but think of certain American films in which the typical indigenous people come out. Do you sound spiritual travel? It consists of drinking a concoction prepared by the "magician" of the tribe and embarking on a journey towards the search for identity. As well, you are going to do something similar to overcome that obsession that does not let you live. That emotional dependence that you have been developing and that is only in your imagination will stop appearing because you will begin to develop a kind of happiness that is the most powerful: the one that only depends on yourself, the only thing you can accept , guide and control.

You will embark on a journey that never ends, the journey towards self-knowledge. This will cure you of the majority of toxic emotions and thoughts that appear to you because, as we have said before, sometimes we cannot control the thoughts ... but we can guide them towards our goals to get the most out of them. We are going to be your guides, so you will never be alone and you will always hold our hands until you are prepared to walk alone.

Fall in love and generate intense emotions

Undertaking the trip

Become free from emotional dependencies

I leave you now in this part of the article with my friend George Massoni, who will help you reflect so that you strengthen your emotions and never fall back into emotional dependence.

You can also use my guide:
How to improve self-esteem: Ultimate guide to 7 factors

freedom obsession love

The Author

This is the fundamental question. The foundation where your personality is going to be built and where your happiness will depend directly. It seems simple but really think about it, who are you? Many here answer something like: I'm Juan, I'm a carpenter and I fix ships. Some nights I go out but I don't shit and end up getting drunk.

It is essential that you do not get confused at this point! We are asking you WHO you are, not what you do with your life.

For example: I'm Alejandra, a nice girl, who knows what she doesn't want for a relationship. That is carried away at the moment, but that knows its limits and knows when it needs a hug and when it is able to give it. A girl who respects her friends and who is simply looking for someone with whom she feels complicit and who can leave without losing herself.

You see the difference? The point is knowing how to identify yourself, knowing what your identity is based on. What do you value, what do you despise, what are your strengths, your weaknesses. Your passions, your desires and everything that makes you different from all the people that are not you.

I like?

I like? Do you like simple people? Do you like justice Do you want to be treated well? Do you like mischief in people? Here it points EVERYTHING you like about life, your life and people. What do you value most in people and what you would not bear.

This point can be key to tear down the myths that idealization has put in your head. Like that person that you like so much does many things that you would not bear to be with her. Perhaps he is a more normal person, with his defects and his virtues. Exactly like you! Take a place like you in the world! Maybe you are not such a small thing for him or her, but you are on the same level!

Exact, it's time to strengthen your self-esteem, to break with that dependence you have, Well, the person you're obsessed with is exactly like you: he has insecurities, he has fears, he has passions and he has hobbies.

Knowing what you like, what you don't like and what you would be willing to suppress (something you don't like but it's not too important either). It will be much easier to find the way to happiness and eliminate emotional dependence.

What can I bring to people?

We all have something that others value about us. Either our way of getting a smile, that we are the most partying or, that simply, things without you are not the same.

At this point It would be great if you asked your friends what they value most about you. How do they perceive you? Eye, it is not to base our judgment or our response on it. But it will give us an idea of ​​how we are perceived and if it corresponds to what we want to convey.

Sometimes we think that people appreciate us for some things and then it turns out that they estimate us for something totally different. Some that we did not take into account and that perhaps we should take care of and strengthen.

For example: you may think that you are a very humble person and you really do things with good intention, but nevertheless your friends tell you that you are being too superb and you don't realize it.

At this point it is good to rethink things. To return to think if what we transmit corresponds to what we want to contribute and, if not, CHANGE IT.

It is in your power to change from you what you do not like. Strive to be perceived as YOU WANT. If you want to be nice to people, but you realize that this is not what you transmit, do it in another way.

You may want to give people some of your joy, that you want to be with them. In that case, you can propose plans, trips, etc. Change is in your hand, do not be lazy or pessimistic, because one is as one really wants to be. And remember, if what you transmit corresponds to what you want to contribute to people, you can be sure that your personality will be overwhelming.

People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou

When do I feel good?

We all have some moments of downturn and other moments of authentic euphoria. Forget about extremes and think about what makes you enjoy, in what makes you feel at peace with yourself.

It can be from listening to music, to running, going to the gym, studying, going for a walk, enjoying your friends or even in the most authentic solitude.

Identify which activity or hobby makes you feel really good and at peace. This way you will have something in your life that will make you really happy and that will only depend on yourself. It can be as many things, or even places, as you want!

And remember, it is best that they depend solely on you, because that way you can access it only when you want. Evidently, The more things you identify with feeling good, the closer you will be to happiness and you will not need to become obsessed with things or people outside of yourself. Because you can be happy only with what depends on you, with your purest essence. The goal at this point is to be happy and feel good even while being in the purest loneliness. Well, even when you're alone, you'll know how to enjoy yourself and you won't need anything.

In that state is emotional dependence possible? Is love obsession possible? Of course not. It makes no sense to be happy with yourself and at the same time be obsessed with a person's attention. As much as that boy or girl we like.

What do I want to give to the world?

To answer this question we will need to rise even above the clouds. Observe us from the sky and freeze the image of ourselves in full construction. It is difficult to know the answer to this question, as there are people who take a lifetime to answer. However, if you know what you do not want to contribute, you will be closer to knowing what you want to give the world for your brief step in its long history of existence.

Do you know what you want to bring to the world? Do you know if what you do helps you improve it? What is your role?

Do you know what the reading intention is? It is the determination of the will in relation to an end. The intention, the 'for what' I do things, is the real key to our passage through life. We are remembered for what we bring to others. It is our intention, the true power of all acting. In addition, the intention has great power. The intent of our acts determines what we receive from them. Life gives us what we give it. Ask yourself now: What would I like life to give me? So what do I want to give to life?

Your intention, purpose, motivation determines what you will receive from life.

Love, health, goodness? Understanding, beauty, gratitude? Knowledge, harmony, solidarity?

Normally, in almost all people, part of their life purpose is to 'give' in some way. The moment you arrive at the answer to this question, your life will make sense every day you wake up.

So take your time, Start with what you don't want to give to the world and think about the power of intention.

One thing that comes in handy at this point is the vocation that a person has. If, for example, I am a supportive person, I would like to give the world a humanitarian service of some kind, to be a doctor. If you are a creative person, you would like the world to keep those ideas that start from your head, that pass through your hands and that are embodied in a work of art.

Think about it, what moved Michelangelo to make his creations? He could have repressed perfectly but ... Isn't it better to develop our full potential?

Who I want to be?

Yes, we have reached the point where we should know each other perfectly. It is time to draw a plan for the future, and the plan for the future is happiness.

Once we know how we are, we have detected weaknesses, strengths and what motivates us, we are at an important point of self-knowledge. Now is the time to accept ourselves as we are, but for that reason we will not give up on how we want to be.

We have said before that We have the power to be as we want! Take strength and visualize how you want to be in the future. An important person, caring, generous, happy, who makes others happy ... visualize yourself strongly and remember that image. But keep one thing in mind, and it's the next point.

Am I on the road to get it?

When you have visualized who you want to be, it is not enough to remember the image and continue with our usual life. You have to draw a path, a path that will take you to the summit. Imagine that you see a mountain, you want to live there but you do not know how to get there and for that reason you leave ... if you really want it, it would not make sense to surrender to the first change, don't you think?

You have to devise a strategy, a plan to achieve that goal. We have the WHAT and the WHY. The HOW is missing. And that 'how' is the rest of your life, friend. The road to travel is quite long, it will be tortuous and there are probably many stones, but it is none other than the path of life, the path to personal excellence and Mastery. The road to realization and absolute happiness. Although, think about it… isn't it worth being happy for the simple fact of having started this path with enthusiasm and tenacity?

How to start the road?

Here we are going to give you some keys so that you can start taking your first steps. If you are obsessed with a person, the first thing you have to do is repress your impulses. You have to enter a state of control of your emotions to know when to identify when feelings of obsession or jealousy come to your mind, and you must know that you have the power to control them.

When negative thoughts come to mind, think about the positive outlook we've talked about before:

“We know that this person awakens something special in us, but we can control and channel what we feel to get the most out of the situation in a positive and optimistic way. We are realistic and we know that it is so likely that we have possibilities, as if we do not have them, but we know how to live with it. We also use assertiveness and empathy to know what the person we like wants and what we can give them. ”

With what we have just said, you have more than enough tools to face the situation. Accept the feeling and channel it towards something positive: think about who you are and who you want to be. Remember that before starting the road it is necessary to know where you are (who you are) and where you want to go (who I want to be).

After answering all these questions, shouldn't you be happy taking the road to where you want to be? Happiness is supposed to be precisely where you want to be! Once you have found happiness, true happiness, where you are comfortable with yourself and with everything that you are and what surrounds you, it is logical that you will not become obsessed again!

This is called intrapersonal emotional intelligence, and if you develop it, obsessions will stop tormenting you, as well as jealousy, envy and other negative emotions.

"Surround yourself with everything that makes you happy and remember: You have the power to direct your life"


brave jungle

#wearebrave #alwaysbeatyourself

Live unconditionally happy from external events. Although life depends largely on oneself and their actions, another large part of them come from outside and cannot be controlled. Whenever you follow your ideals and act as you have wanted, you will not have to feel frustrated even if things have not gone as you wish.

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Passionate about psychology, poetry and fashion, David Jungle is the founder of the BRAVE JUNGLE brand. Being one of its designers and the author of the #wearebrave philosophy in most of his articles, poems and stories. He is a graduate in Marketing and Creative in Fashion Design. Also working as a coach for other companies and having published three books. His dream? Create an ecological and sustainable fashion brand that promotes a philosophy of overcoming and beauty in the face of the challenges of that social jungle in which we live.

Comments (2)

  1. Interesting article leads me to this reflection. At that moment you think that you are the person who is going to change your life, there is something inside of you, that stirs your guts, drives you to want to help the person you love and do not doubt it for a second. It's the same thing that you should stop to see in yourself and thus hold yourself responsible for your happiness

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A meeting point between lovers of overcoming, poetry and fashion for lovers of the challenges of that urban jungle in which we live.